I came across this list by accident searching for something unrelated and I thought it was pretty funny. So I thought I’d share. Apparently, the Washington Post published its winning submissions to a yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words:
coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.
flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.
gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.
flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.
testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.
rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.
oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.